Holding the World Gently: Caring Without Carrying

Recently, my friend Keith shared something that stopped me in my tracks: “I am beyond struggling. The darkness is overwhelming.”

I don’t know what brought Keith to this place; perhaps it was a convergence of painful events. As I write in my book, Eight Intentions for Self-Healing, we have all been living under heightened stress since 2020, when a lethal pandemic swept across the globe. What followed has been five years of relentless challenges—scarce resources, rising prices, climate disasters, political upheaval, and ongoing violence, particularly in the Middle East, Africa, and here in the United States.

Through constant news and video footage, we now have a front-row seat to the suffering of others. We witness grief, fear, and loss in real time. Empathy invites us to step into another’s shoes—to imagine how they might feel and how we might feel in their place. Compassion then ignites caring in our hearts.

Caring means feeling genuine concern for the well-being of others. It is essential to our evolution. Caring builds community, inspires social change, and expands our perspective beyond “What’s in it for me?” to “How can I help?” When we care about the pain of others, we naturally want to ease it. This impulse moves us forward in our shared humanity.

Caring Without Carrying

The trouble begins when caring turns into carrying—when, in our well-intended desire to help, we absorb someone else’s suffering as our own. I feel so bad for them, we tell ourselves. And then, out of misplaced guilt, we dampen our own joy in response to someone else’s pain.

But this helps no one.

Think back to a difficult chapter in your own life—perhaps the death of a loved one or the painful end of a long-term relationship. Did knowing that others felt sorry for you reduce your grief? Did their distress speed your healing? While their concern may have been comforting, they could not grieve on your behalf. When we attempt to carry another person’s pain for them, we don’t lessen suffering—we multiply it, like a repeater amplifying a signal across a network.

When our brain perceives a threat, the nervous system responds automatically with a cascade of chemical reactions. This fight-or-flight response is beyond conscious control. In that state, fear dominates. Because fear makes us feel powerless, we often disguise it as something else—anger, resentment, even hatred. A friend once confided that they had never known such intense hatred. Yet hatred is often fear wearing the mask of anger, an emotion our culture finds more acceptable to express.

Chronic fear, anger, and hatred are toxic to the body. They impair digestion, weaken immune defenses, and disrupt cellular repair. Over time, they increase vulnerability to conditions such as heart disease, metabolic disorders, neurological issues, and cancer. They also compromise our ability to think clearly, solve problems, and make wise decisions.

Carrying the suffering of others not only fails to help them—it deepens our own pain unnecessarily.

Here are a few reflections to consider:

• What emotions are you experiencing right now?

• Are these feelings truly aligned with your present circumstances?

• Are you in immediate danger—or might you be safer than your fear suggests?

Take time to name what you are grateful for. Our minds naturally fixate on what’s missing; it’s part of our survival wiring. Yet no matter what feels lacking, there is always something worthy of gratitude. If you have shelter, clothing, and access to your next meal, your life holds abundance.

Remember, too, that emotions are contagious. The thoughts we think and the feelings we embody ripple outward, affecting those around us. When you notice fear, anger, or hatred arising, gently redirect your attention toward something that evokes joy or peace.

If you find yourself spiraling into despair, reach out to a qualified healthcare professional for support.

Finally, cultivate resilience through daily practices such as intentional breathing, tapping, or other stress-reduction techniques. As I explain in my book, resilience acts as insulation against the chaos around us, making us less vulnerable to chronic worry and fear-based messaging.

You are also warmly invited to join my Intend for Peace gatherings. These brief sessions offer space to amplify and radiate peace—something in short supply these days. Participants often report feeling more grounded, centered, and restored afterward. Sign up here to receive email reminders. 

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Anxiety-busting Techniques

Pick one of these techniques and practice it daily. Consistency is key to cultivating resilience.

Guided Box Breathing Practice

Five minutes of guided Box Breathing, which is equal length inhale, breath retention, exhale, and pause with lungs empty.

Intentional Breathing Practice

Two minutes of diaphragmatic breathing with a short inhale, breath retention, followed by long, slow exhale.

Guided Tapping Session

Seven minutes of the Trauma Tapping Technique developed by the Peaceful Heart Network. Used by mental health practitioners worldwide, tapping is scientifically demonstrated to alleviate cravings, addictions, and the symptoms of PTSD.